You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to princess prom dresses in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?
Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!
Now, James, who was trying to move on with his life, is left trying to convince Raquel that he didn’t cheat, which is obviously a lie, one which she thankfully isn’t sure she believes. This slippery slope leads Raquel to chardonnay, but James remains strong – for now – with lemon zinger and the consoling presence of Tom 1 – who is like, ‘Dude, don’t blame whiskey for your wandering peen.’
So, Katie is no mere mortal; she’s a human rage monster who engulfs all happiness that crosses her path, then roars that she is too nice of a person. K-Hulk needs to simmer down before her wedding dress bursts into flames. What I’m saying is, beware the ever-shifting ire of Katie.
Even Kristen Doute isn’t immune! She visits Tom and Katie, where they’re collecting wedding RSVP’s that have penises drawn on them. Tom is trying to decipher which dick-pic best represents which friend group. Katie spent $42,000 on invites and all they got was a tea towel, but no place for prospective guests to write their actual NAMES on the RSVP card. This is Scheana Marie‘s fault, apparently.
Over at SUR, Ariana tattles to Lisa about Scheana and Jax tormenting James. Lisa is like, ‘Oh well, hmm, will it raise ratings on this shit show? Then by all means… just don’t do it at SUR… until I rehire James for the 400th time!'”
Katie is also annoyed that Scheana crashed James‘ gig because she doesn’t see the point. This coming from the woman who threatened to shove Scheana in the oven at SUR for even having casual co-worker niceties with Lala Kent. Katie has also directed her wrath to Ariana Madix because Scheana has ‘changed’ since becoming re-friends with Ariana, which means Scheana has turned disloyal to The Muva.
Yes, Ariana is now persona non grata because she won’t kiss the feet of Stassi Schroder, Katie’s chosen one. Does anyone else find it insanely odd that Katie is marrying Tom 2, yet she is so overly concerned and obsessed about what Stassi thinks? After Katie warns Tom 2 that Ariana better get in line, Tom 2 in turn warns Tom 1.
In other news, Tom 1 has ditched the whole music thing and is now focused on modeling again. Under the tutelage of JOE SIMPSON (as in boob-obsessed father of Jessica), who is wearing harem sweatpants cropped at the ankle like he’s Justin Bieber from 2015. Papa Joe dresses Tom up in a smokey eye and druid robes, then has him prance and spin around to a wind machine. Joe is no Tyra. There was no smize.
Even Tom 2, watching from the sidelines as ‘support,’ was embarrassed, but Tom 1 was proud to bare his vapidly shrouded soul to the lens of supremely F-list fame. Ariana sneers that she hates models. So Tom abandons that to shoot a scene for a short film Peter is producing. I cannot say anything bad about this because I was distracted by Peter looking hot in a tank top. James – please take note, this is how a tank top is supposed to look on a man. Also, did you notice, Peter, who has a real job, has a nice apartment to go with it?
While Tom is at Peter’s role playing – badly – Tom warns Ariana that she better make nice with Stassi by apologizing. But Ariana will not be lowering her standards for any wedding party. For that I salute her. She is the captain, I mean commander, of her own life!
In the TomKatastrophe Wedding, Ariana is separate but equal, expected to be all things to all parties, while being afforded few rights. In planning the Bachelor/Bachelorette weekend in New Orleans she finds herself at a cross-roads. Ariana can’t dress in drag with the groomsman because she’s already a girl; she’s expected to get along with the bridal party who’ve made it clear they do not want her included, even though she’s not included in planning any of the events. Ariana is pretty much the Pump Rules eunuch at this point – the androgynous filibuster wearing lumberjack plaid with mini skirts.
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